I'm F'd UP!!!!!

This is a blog post I wrote a few weeks ago but decided not to post.....


The title of today's post gave me a laugh. I try not to blog about my dating experiences but this, I have to share. I knew that this would happen. I knew that I would experience someone taking my story and using it against me. I was prepared for that. 

I met a man last week and to my surprise our first date was AMAZING. We laughed and we shared intimate conversation. He shared his stories of love and loss and I shared my story, my story about my rape. 

Let me say this first: I knew after my rape that it would be hard to encounter someone who would be willing and open enough to offer me the support that I NEED. I knew that it would be hard to encounter a Being who would genuinely understand what it is like to go through what I had been through. I knew that with dating comes the risk of telling someone my story and them using it against me. 

Now, back to this man. Let me set it up for you.....

I met him at this cute coffee shop in the South Loop. We hugged and I sat down and we began to talk. Everything flowed. Conversation was amazing. He seemed to say all of the right things. Our Spirits seemed to have been in tune. After that we went to some chicken joint not too far from the coffee shop (Y'all know I love to eat). It seemed as if the stars were aligned that night. We shared chicken wings, sweet potatoes, amazing conversation and laughs together. He shared his crazy dating stories with me and I shared my previous relationship drama with him. He was understanding and in tune with me. It was authentic. The night was perfection. Afterwards, we sat in his car and talked for what seemed to be hours. Actually, it was 7 hours that we'd spent together. Once I made it home, I texted him good night, he replied back that he was "Surprised. Pleased." Keep in mind there was no physical contact besides us holding hands but it was refreshingly perfect. So why am I blogging about a date with a seemingly perfect guy?


Though this guy seemed perfect, I had this feeling that he was gay. I could've been wrong and If I was, that is something that I can accept. However, this is a feeling that continued to nag me. I hate to hurt someone's feelings. I hate to come across offensively but how do you ask a man that seems so perfect if he is gay without ruining a good thing? How do you ask any man that question? So, I spoke with some friends of mine who offered up hilarious suggestions but ultimately advised me to just be straight forward and ask the question. I was worried, scared honestly, being that I had dated a man before and found out through a friend mine at the time that he was indeed gay. Let me disclose that I am a supporter of the LGBT community. I believe that your personal preference is just that. However, I have a serious problem when or if men or anyone feels inclined to be dishonest or  selfish by trying to cover up their sexuality. So, I decided to just ask the question. I knew that by  asking this again seemingly perfect man if he was interested in other men that it would potentially end whatever we were trying to create or build on. I was prepared for that. I was also prepared for his insults that followed shortly after my question.

I asked in the best way that I knew how, without trying to be offensive, rude, condescending and any other negative word that you can think of. I asked from a place of concern. A place of authenticity, love and care. Initially, he laughed off my question then he followed up with a response by telling me 

"You're still a little too F'd up."

I thought that I would have been hurt by him saying that. I expected for my heart to drop because there was a time when I cared so much about what people thought of me. I expected to feel some kind of way about his remark (s). He took what I told him, he took my rape and he used it against me because I questioned his sexuality.  My response, I "absolutely understand". And I do. I understand that people will get on the defense and the moment you say something that they do not agree with, you are this terrible person. As soon as the googly eyes stop, the laughs leave and you get honest, all of a sudden, you *ain't* shit. But I was prepared for that. Instead of me feeling hurt or offended, I felt empowered. 

Here's why.....

My rape is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I do not expect for anybody to understand that. I am still healing. I am still getting adjusting to dating, trusting and allowing myself to be vulnerable again and for him to take what I had shared with him and tell me that I am f'd up because I was asked about his sexuality speaks volumes. My being "still a little too F'd up" had absolutely nothing to do with the evident fact that he displayed feminine qualities which surprisingly I would've been able to welcome that (because not every man that displays feminine qualities are gay) but not at the expense of dishonesty, defensiveness or him throwing MY "fucked up" shit back in my face. And what exactly does it mean to be f'd up? I don't even think he knew the answer to that. It could have been that he needed to find a way to offend me since he felt offended. Am I F'd up because of my rape? Does that make me F'd up? I am still here, sane, breathing, feeling fabulous. Yes, I am still in the healing stages and it has been a beautiful process. I have cried, been honest with myself and with others. I have allowed myself to share a very private and sacred piece of my journey, not only with him but with those of you who are reading this, with other survivors and individuals that I have empowered and inspired on a daily basis. So, if THAT makes me f'd up. I can accept that.  I OWN MY stuff. However, there are some people, no matter how poised, proper and prim  and seemingly perfect they are-they don't REALLY own their SHIT. And that is okay. I was prepared. 


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