The Truth-Part 2 -Letting go and Living
Hey Beautiful people!
In the last post I told you all that in this post I would be talking about my move to Georgia and my present feelings regarding my rape.
It's almost unbelievable to me that my rape occurred almost five years ago. Though I know it's something that I will never forget for the rest of my life, at times, it's almost like it never happened. I do have my days when I feel down but I make it an effort to not stay down. Not to mention I wasn't alone the night I was raped. My ex-boyfriend was with me when it happened so, it took me a while to come to terms that not only will I think about my rape for the rest of my life, now my ex-boyfriend will always be a part of that memory.
How do you get over something so traumatic along with letting go of a relationship that you thought would last forever?
A lot of soul searching is how. It took a lot of me facing myself. There were a lot of days that I cried over my ex and my rape. I cried because August 14, 2008 was truly the saddest day of my entire life. I cried because the man that I loved and I thought loved me was so cold towards me. I cried because my relationship was over before it even began and I didn't know how to save it. I cried because there were days when I cared more about saving my relationship than I did about my own mental and spiritual well-being. I cried because I knew that I was going down the wrong path and there were days I felt like I wasn't strong enough to overcome-to make it through.
Having someone to violate you is never easy to get over but you have to start somewhere. I became so sick, literally, of crying and being sad all of the time that I knew I had to make a decision. I had to make the decision to not allow a person who doesn't even know my name, a person who probably doesn't know how I look, to have so much power over my life.
I remember being escorted by a detective to the courthouse to speak with the attorneys that were working on my case. She asked me, "Are you the victim?" and I replied without hesitation, "Yes.". After responding I thought, "Why would you say yes to that? You are not a victim, you are a survivor." Ultimately I made a choice that I did not want to live the rest of my life being a victim. I am not living my life being a victim of anything or to anyone. I am a survivor. Once I realized that, it was time for me to really start healing. I knew that I owed it to myself to not allow an unfortunate event to take so much of my Power. I had to get it back.
As it relates to my ex-boyfriend, I had to except that our relationship was over and that if it was meant to be, it would have been. I also had to take responsibility for why our relationship ended. That meant facing some things about myself that I had been ignoring. Truth is, I was disconnected from our relationship and from myself. I should have taken the time to care for me because there is nothing more important than my healing. At that time, I wanted to save us. I wanted us to come out of something so tragic and be this powerful, supportive and loving couple. Instead, I came out of the situation alone- angry, hurtful and bitter. I knew my relationship was not going to last because I knew that my destiny was not tied to a man who did not love me enough to stick by me. We were in two different books but I kept trying to join two destinies together that were never meant to be. Just because you love somebody does not mean that the two of you are meant to be in a relationship. Just because the two of you experienced a situation together does not mean that you are supposed to come out of it together. All of these things, as hard as they were, needed to be recognized and healed. I needed to heal from the feeling of believing that I was not good enough for my ex. I was so insecure after my rape that I compared myself to every woman I thought was beautiful. I would look at a woman and wonder if she would be someone my ex would be interested in dating. That kind of thinking can be detrimental to the Soul. It will have you paranoid, thinking that you are unworthy of all of the good and wonderfully amazing things and people that the Universe has for you. I did not want to live the rest of life like that.
I moved to Georgia last year without telling anyone except for my sister and my best friend. I knew that they would be supportive no matter what I decided to do or where I decided to go. A new start is what I felt I needed so I packed my bags and left. Yup, just like that. I guess it was a combination of me running away from my ex and wanting to step out on faith and do something that I'd never done before. Moving to another state, you can meet new people, create your own life without the opinions of others and just LIVE. So I went to Georgia and did just that. It didn't stop me from thinking about my ex but it did feel good to be miles and miles away from him. While in Georgia, I learned that no matter how far apart you are from someone, if you care for them, distance is not going to make that feeling subside. Getting into a new relationship isn't the answer either.
So, how did I get over my relationship with my ex?
I replaced fear and anger with love and honesty. I learned that it is okay to tell the truth about how you feel. I stopped being afraid of rejection, of him never speaking to me again. I accepted that our relationship was over and that is just how it is supposed to be. I learned that in letting go of what was not working, I am able to make room for the good stuff. I learned that it's okay to keep someone in your heart and love them from a distance. Lastly, I learned to have peace about my rape, about my relationship and about the choices that I made.
Life is not easy. I would love to be that person to say everything is always rose all of the time but the TRUTH IS that it is not. You have to push your way through some things. Sometimes you are going to want to give up, you are going to want to run and hide. You will have days when you are afraid. You will have days when you feel like you are not good enough, like you don't measure up. Guess what? It's OKAY. What's not okay is when you make a choice to live the rest of your life moping and feeling sorry for yourself. Every single day, I make a choice to be the best me that I can be. That sounds so cliche', right? But I do. I make a choice to be positive. I believe that I am worth the good stuff.
I learned fear can only live in your head if you allow it to sign a lease. Don't do it. That is not the life that we were destined to live. In the words of Switchfoot, "We were meant to live for so much more. Sometimes, we lose our selves, but somewhere we live inside." (Okay those aren't the lyrics word for word but you all get my point.) Somewhere, inside of us lives hope and love. Somewhere inside of us lives our power that we have denied for so long. Tap into that. Tap into the TRUTH of who you really are. Tap into your healing. Tap into those survival skills. LIVE. It's in you. The beauty of Life is inside you. Peace. :-)