My Letter to you: Rape and Jokes- I Am Not Laughing

I was scrolling down my facebook page a moment ago a came across a picture from a guy who is on my friend's list. This person is a club promoter and often posts pictures that are sometimes inappropriate and that is his prerogative. What I am about to say is MY prerogative.

This is the picture that he posted. This is the picture that pissed me off. The more I stare at this picture, the more disturbing it becomes. I didn't post his name because I don't want anybody else trying to tear him to shreds. This is the my letter to you. 

I have a MAJOR problem with this being that I am a SURVIVOR of rape. I was raped by a stranger in a park on the south side of Chicago. I was with my ex-boyfriend and he approached us at gun point. I tried to fight him off but he beat me in my face until I blacked out for a moment . The left side of my jaw was numb for 5 months. I was on 3 different medications for several months along with having to get tested regularly to be certain that I had not contracted any sexually transmitted diseases, HIV or AIDS from him and I am blessed that I did not.  I am even more blessed that I am alive being that he threatened to kill and leave me in that park had I continued to fight him. I could talk about a host of other after effects that came from being raped but I would hate to take up too much of your time. I have a problem that you or anyone else would think the picture you posted is okay. I have a problem with you thinking that rape, molestation or any form of sexual violence can be made a fun of.  Posting a picture such as this one, to me, means that you are pro-Sexual Violence. Furthermore, until you know what it is like for somebody to violate your personal space in the most disrespectful, shameful and frightening way, you may need to think before you post. People can be so careless these days, especially given that society makes light of Sexual Violence. Oh, and just in case you didn't know, April is Child Abuse and Sexual Assault Awareness month. I didn't expect you to know that. Because I am assuming that if you knew that, along with knowing and understanding the seriousness of rape and the after effects of anybody that has experienced it, you would not have posted this ridiculous ass picture. I understand that you like to make jokes. I get that. But this was taking it too far. I really battled between whether or not I should address the photo. I don't want to be confrontational with anybody and frankly I feel like some people just don't get it anyway. I was going to send you a private message (I'd actually started typing the message) but you didn't post the picture privately so why should I have to be discreet?  This has to stop. People like you need to refrain from making comments about rape and expecting everyone to laugh at it. Making light of it is why it happens so much. Making comments in relation to the government "raping" your pockets by raising taxes is not funny to me and I'm sure it's not funny to a lot of other survivors. You didn't make this comment but I have heard so many people say things like this. From the pictures that I have seen on your Instagram, you have a beautiful baby girl. How would you feel if molestation or rape would ever happen to cross her path. Would you still make light of rape? Would you post pictures like the one above?     

Do you think I am I over-reacting? I don't think so. I am offended. I am upset and this is something that people like me need to stop being so afraid to speak up about. We will talk openly about homosexuality, sex before marriage, infidelity and everything else under the sun. Oh, and God forbid someone attacks our spiritual beliefs, we are ready to quote scriptures, lay hands and break out the holy olive oil. 

Anyway......

The problem is that a lot of people don't care about majority of tragedies happening in the world today unless it directly effects them. We make fun of people with disabilities, until it's our child or family member who is suffering. We laugh and make light of depression until we have lost the life of someone close to us because they decided life wasn't worth living anymore. We make light of cancer, diabetes, STD's and HIV/AIDS until it comes knocking at our doorstep. I'm not trying to say we need to hold hands and sing "Kum ba ya". What I am saying is that it would not hurt for us, you- to have a little bit of compassion, empathy and support for one another-whether we know someone or not. It would benefit us personally and the human race collectively if we would learn how to be more kind and if we can't do that, if that's just so impossible- then maybe we should just lock ourselves in our houses and never come out. And if that isn't an option, simply shutting the hell up would also suffice. I hope that something I have said has resonated with you. If not, that is okay. Save this letter. Hopefully, someday it will.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month below I've listed some statistics. I suggest you educate yourself first the next time you think about posting ignorance.

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).¹

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.¹


9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.²

Lifetime rate of rape /attempted rape for women by race:¹

• All women: 17.6%
• White women: 17.7%
• Black women: 18.8%
• Asian Pacific Islander women: 6.8%
• American Indian/Alaskan women: 34.1%
• Mixed race women: 24.4%

Men

About 3% of American men — or 1 in 33 — have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.¹

• In 2003, 1 in every ten rape victims were male.²
• 2.78 million men in the U.S. have been victims of sexual assault or rape.¹

Children

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.³

• 29% are age 12-17.
• 44% are under age 18.³
• 80% are under age 30.³
• 12-34 are the highest risk years.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.⁴

• 3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.⁵

• Of these, 75% were girls.
• Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.⁶

• 34.2% of attackers were family members.
• 58.7% were acquaintances.
• Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.

Effects of Rape

Victims of sexual assault are:⁷

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.

6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.

26 times more likely to abuse drugs.

4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

Pregnancies Resulting from Rape

In 2004-2005, 64,080 women were raped.⁸ According to medical reports, the incidence of pregnancy for one-time unprotected sexual intercourse is 5%. By applying the pregnancy rate to 64,080 women, RAINN estimates that there were 3,204 pregnancies as a result of rape during that period.

This calculation does not account for the following factors which could lower the actual number of pregnancies:

• Rape, as defined by the NCVS, is forced sexual intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse means vaginal, oral, or anal penetration by offender(s). This category includes incidents where the penetration is from a foreign object such as a bottle. Certain types of rape under this definition cannot cause pregnancy.
• Some victims of rape may be utilizing birth control methods, such as the pill, which will prevent pregnancy.
• Some rapists may wear condoms in an effort to avoid DNA detection.
• Victims of rape may not be able to become pregnant for medical or age-related reasons.

This calculation does not account for the following factors which could raise the actual number of pregnancies:

• Medical estimates of a 5% pregnancy rate are for one-time, unprotected sexual intercourse. Some victimizations may include multiple incidents of intercourse.
• Because of methodology, NCVS does not measure the victimization of Americans age 12 or younger. Rapes of these young people could results in pregnancies not accounted for in RAINN's estimates.

---

References

1. National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention. Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey. 1998.
2. U.S. Department of Justice. 2003 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2003.
3. U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sex Offenses and Offenders. 1997.
4. 1998 Commonwealth Fund Survey of the Health of Adolescent Girls. 1998.
5. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, Administration for Children and Families. 1995 Child Maltreatment Survey. 1995.
6. U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics. 2000 Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement. 2000.
7. World Health Organization. 2002.
8. U.S. Department of Justice. 2005 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2005.

You can find more information at Rape Abuse and Incest National Network http://www.rainn.org/, Rape Victim Advocates http://www.rapevictimadvocates.org/ or National Sexual Violence Resource Center http://www.nsvrc.org/

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SASSU!

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

Today is SASSU's Birthday. Today, my baby is 3 years strong. 

It is almost unbelievable to think that I have come this far. It is almost as if my rape never happened. I say that because of this: There was a time when I did not think that I would live to see my organization launch April 10, 2011 so  April 10, 2013 was the furthest from my mind. It is almost as if I've had a bad dream and now I've awaken. Let me be clear, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad about still healing from their experience with rape, molestation or sexual violence. I am just speaking what holds true for me. Today, I am still healing but I am so much better than I was some years ago. I do still have triggers, I do have moments of sadness but those moments pass and I am okay again. 

Today, my baby is 3 years strong. When I initially launched SASSU, I had NO CLUE as to what I was getting myself into. I knew that I wanted to heal. I knew that I wanted to speak out about what happened to me and I knew I wanted to help others. I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone and I wanted people to know they are not alone. This has been a  journey of many tests and life lessons and I have thought many times about giving up but I am so proud to say that I didn't.

My Baby is 3 years STRONG. I DID IT!!!! And I am going to continue doing it! :-)

I don't have many words today. Just thoughts of gratitude. Today is a day of reflection for me.

 This was SASSU's guest book the day of the launch party. I wanted to do something different so I bought a construction paper book and people signed with color pencils.The launch party was held at Akira Clothing Store- One of my favorite stores in downtown Chicago.

Whatever you want to do, you can do it. You don't need a lot of money and you don't need a lot of people. All you need is desire and the willingness to stick things out no matter what. There are going to be people that doubt you. You are going to have days when you feel like giving up. You will question what the hell you've gotten yourself into but you will stay with it. You will continue moving forward. You will be great. 

I'm F'd UP!!!!!

This is a blog post I wrote a few weeks ago but decided not to post.....

I CHANGED MY MIND! :-)


The title of today's post gave me a laugh. I try not to blog about my dating experiences but this, I have to share. I knew that this would happen. I knew that I would experience someone taking my story and using it against me. I was prepared for that. 

I met a man last week and to my surprise our first date was AMAZING. We laughed and we shared intimate conversation. He shared his stories of love and loss and I shared my story, my story about my rape. 

Let me say this first: I knew after my rape that it would be hard to encounter someone who would be willing and open enough to offer me the support that I NEED. I knew that it would be hard to encounter a Being who would genuinely understand what it is like to go through what I had been through. I knew that with dating comes the risk of telling someone my story and them using it against me. 

Now, back to this man. Let me set it up for you.....

I met him at this cute coffee shop in the South Loop. We hugged and I sat down and we began to talk. Everything flowed. Conversation was amazing. He seemed to say all of the right things. Our Spirits seemed to have been in tune. After that we went to some chicken joint not too far from the coffee shop (Y'all know I love to eat). It seemed as if the stars were aligned that night. We shared chicken wings, sweet potatoes, amazing conversation and laughs together. He shared his crazy dating stories with me and I shared my previous relationship drama with him. He was understanding and in tune with me. It was authentic. The night was perfection. Afterwards, we sat in his car and talked for what seemed to be hours. Actually, it was 7 hours that we'd spent together. Once I made it home, I texted him good night, he replied back that he was "Surprised. Pleased." Keep in mind there was no physical contact besides us holding hands but it was refreshingly perfect. So why am I blogging about a date with a seemingly perfect guy?

Well....

Though this guy seemed perfect, I had this feeling that he was gay. I could've been wrong and If I was, that is something that I can accept. However, this is a feeling that continued to nag me. I hate to hurt someone's feelings. I hate to come across offensively but how do you ask a man that seems so perfect if he is gay without ruining a good thing? How do you ask any man that question? So, I spoke with some friends of mine who offered up hilarious suggestions but ultimately advised me to just be straight forward and ask the question. I was worried, scared honestly, being that I had dated a man before and found out through a friend mine at the time that he was indeed gay. Let me disclose that I am a supporter of the LGBT community. I believe that your personal preference is just that. However, I have a serious problem when or if men or anyone feels inclined to be dishonest or  selfish by trying to cover up their sexuality. So, I decided to just ask the question. I knew that by  asking this again seemingly perfect man if he was interested in other men that it would potentially end whatever we were trying to create or build on. I was prepared for that. I was also prepared for his insults that followed shortly after my question.

I asked in the best way that I knew how, without trying to be offensive, rude, condescending and any other negative word that you can think of. I asked from a place of concern. A place of authenticity, love and care. Initially, he laughed off my question then he followed up with a response by telling me 

"You're still a little too F'd up."

I thought that I would have been hurt by him saying that. I expected for my heart to drop because there was a time when I cared so much about what people thought of me. I expected to feel some kind of way about his remark (s). He took what I told him, he took my rape and he used it against me because I questioned his sexuality.  My response, I "absolutely understand". And I do. I understand that people will get on the defense and the moment you say something that they do not agree with, you are this terrible person. As soon as the googly eyes stop, the laughs leave and you get honest, all of a sudden, you *ain't* shit. But I was prepared for that. Instead of me feeling hurt or offended, I felt empowered. 

Here's why.....

My rape is something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I do not expect for anybody to understand that. I am still healing. I am still getting adjusting to dating, trusting and allowing myself to be vulnerable again and for him to take what I had shared with him and tell me that I am f'd up because I was asked about his sexuality speaks volumes. My being "still a little too F'd up" had absolutely nothing to do with the evident fact that he displayed feminine qualities which surprisingly I would've been able to welcome that (because not every man that displays feminine qualities are gay) but not at the expense of dishonesty, defensiveness or him throwing MY "fucked up" shit back in my face. And what exactly does it mean to be f'd up? I don't even think he knew the answer to that. It could have been that he needed to find a way to offend me since he felt offended. Am I F'd up because of my rape? Does that make me F'd up? I am still here, sane, breathing, feeling fabulous. Yes, I am still in the healing stages and it has been a beautiful process. I have cried, been honest with myself and with others. I have allowed myself to share a very private and sacred piece of my journey, not only with him but with those of you who are reading this, with other survivors and individuals that I have empowered and inspired on a daily basis. So, if THAT makes me f'd up. I can accept that.  I OWN MY stuff. However, there are some people, no matter how poised, proper and prim  and seemingly perfect they are-they don't REALLY own their SHIT. And that is okay. I was prepared. 

GET OVER IT!

Yes, I am talking to you! You really need to get over it! Thinking that your feelings matter and that people don't care about you. GET OVER IT! You think that the world revolves around your SMALL self? You are not worth it. You are not worth respect, love, or any one's time. You are not worth being appreciated and looked out for. You are not worth the little things so you most certainly are not worth the big things and guess what you need to do?? Yup, GET OVER IT! No one cares how you feel. No one cares if you express yourself, hell, they're not listening anyway. You don't have an opinion and if you do, it really does not matter. You aren't pretty enough, smart enough or thin enough so hunny, GET OVER IT! Please listen to me because if you don't, you're going to end up hating yourself later. You are on this earth to play a small role. You are not here to do amazing things. You are not here to be a Light to anyone. All of the pep-talks, and encouraging words you give to people don't mean a thing. YOU DON'T MEAN A THING SO.....GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, how do you feel after reading that? How does it make your Spirit feel? What goes through your mind while reading that?

What's funny is that some of you reading this have either said some of these things to yourself or somebody has said them to you. Now, whether or not you said it or someone else said it, you need to STOP!

We feed ourselves these negative and limiting beliefs every single day and it's quite ridiculous. We allow people to speak BS into our lives and we accept it every single time. Stop lying to yourself. Stop feeding and eating mess and still expecting for everything to get better. It won't get better until YOU get better. In order for you to get better, you have to remove the lies and replace it with TRUTH. Now, I am not saying that everything that has been said about you is a lie, but it's up to you to search your heart and decide what goes and what needs to stay.

We are pissed, angry and just plain mad at the world because someone told us something negative about ourselves and we chose to believe it so now we're ready to cuss, fuss and slap the daylights out of someone. Someone told you that you don't matter and you ain't shit and because you CHOSE to believe that, now you're mad? That man that you like so much won't take you out on a date, introduce you to his parents, put a ring on it, or take care of the baby that you all created together after a one night stand and after ACCEPTING all of that, you're mad? Listen, GET OVER IT! Yes, today is the day that you need to get all the way over it. 

We accept all of these things whether we know it or are willing to admit it or not. We make a choice to swallow the BS or to regurgitate it. Today is the day you go to the bathroom, stand over the toilet, stick your fingers in your mouth and THROW IT UP!!!! Throw up all of the nonsense that people try to bring into your life. Throw up the belief that you are not good enough, brilliant enough or beautiful enough. Throw up the belief that you are not here to do great things and touch some one's life. If you don't throw it up you're going to get FAT! You're going to be weighed down with anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment, depression, sadness and doubt. THROW IT UP!!!!! Once you throw it up, GET OVER IT! 

You need to get over it because it's a L I E. You need to get over it because you are so beautiful and you have so many wonderful things to do in this world. Listen, I'm not just writing this blog for my health. I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to feed yourself negativity or to listen to some one's opinion as to who you are. Some of you swallow it every single day and it's making you sick! You can't figure out why you are so angry and ready to knock somebody out if they even look at you the wrong way and it's because you've allowed all of these horrible and limiting beliefs into your atmosphere, your energy, your mind, your heart, your spirit. You have forgotten that you are DIVINE! You have forgotten that you light up a room wherever you go. You have forgotten that even though that man doesn't want you, you have that other man who stares and smiles at you when you're not looking and he's just waiting for the opportunity to make you his Queen. You forgot that God lives withIN you and you carry that light every where that you go but you believe that you are so small and you can't shine? It's a LIE and you need to throw it up. 

You decide who you are. You decide what you allow into your space. You have to realize that you control everything in your life. You decide what you eat. Are you eating love, joy, peace, prosperity, good health, healthy relationships, healthy self esteem? Or are you eating hate, depression, sickness, drama, jealousy, sadness? Regurgitate the bad...GET OVER IT and move forward with the good. Feed yourself some good, you deserve it but you won't get it until you realize that you deserve it. Decide that today it the day you love yourself more and regurgitate all of the people who won't love you or don't have the capacity to. When you get over the bad, the good can come in but it's your CHOICE. What are you going to choose?

Who are you to NOT be FABULOUS???

I had started writing this post yesterday and finished it up this morning. 

I've had this nagging tension behind my right eye all day and as much as I told myself I would lay down and rest, now I just can't. I have to get this off my chest.

The past few weeks have been very interesting for me. I have had some amazing soul moments. Soul moments are the moments when I allow my intuition, my Spirit, My Soul to speak to me. I drown out the world and I just listen. Then I've had those moments where I doubt myself or I worry too much or I'm hesitant. Today I have had this headache for majority of the day and after cooking my very delicious dinner (yes, I'm a great cook), I decided that I would lay down for a moment to try to get rid of this eye tension or whatever it is.

Yesterday I came across an author and motivational speaker Shanel Cooper-Sykes and she put up a status that really connected with me.

"Hesitation.Im not on TV yet. So I take extreme efforts to market and advertise to as many women as I can. (Keep reading because this message applies to your life). Some people unsubscribe. Yes, I could hesitate and say, "No Shanel, don't send too many emails, don't post too many FB posts." But if I hesitate and focus on the "wrong" thing, I'll be doing a disservice to the women who need to see and hear these messages. For the sake of what? Trying not to offend certain people? You can't live or be successful like this. Look in your life to see where you've been hesitating, withholding and missing opportunities to move your life forward and help others."

This status really hit home for me because I find myself hesitating in many areas of my life. I find myself always asking questions that I already have the answer to.I am always second guessing my self. Hesitating. Procrastinating. I have missed opportunities to network and empower because of hesitation. I have hesitated on goals and tried to change up to make people feel comfortable with my Truth. And where has any of that gotten me???? NOWHERE. So, today, let me tell you, without any opinion, question or hesitation, let me tell you what I KNOW. I know that I am great. I know that I was placed on this earth to do wonderfully extraordinary things. I know that I am here to make people look more beautiful and feel more beautiful about themselves inside and out. I KNOW that I am a Diva!!! I know that I am sexy and sensual. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know that I am open and honest. I know that I can talk a lot. I know that I can be shy sometimes. I know that I am giving and loving and caring. I know that I would like to slim down and have a bad ass/fit body. I know that the body and shape that I have now is bad (bad meaning good) but I know that it can be better. I know what I need to know. Everything that I don't know, I'm sure I will figure it out. I know that I am intelligent and I can carry on a meaningful conversation. I know that I can adapt to whatever environment I am in. I know that my personality is sometimes intimidating. I know that I can command attention when I walk into a room. I know that I have a beautiful smile and that my smile is sincere. I know that I can say more with my eyes sometimes than I can with words. I know that I am passionate. I know that I am nurturing. I know that I am sassy. I know that I am Strong.  I know that I have so many gifts that I am great at. I know that I have the ability to make someone who may not be so attractive in the eyes of some people look BEAUTIFUL once I'm done making them up and styling them. I know that I am a great friend. I am a great motivator. I think you all get where I am going with this. 

The problem is that we allow people to talk us out of who we are, We question ourselves and our abilities just beacause other people do not believe in us. We allow someone else's opinion of who we are to become how we see ourselves when they have no clue who we are because they have not taken the time to connect with us on an authentic level. We question ourselves and ask other people who we are. What the hell...who the hell and how in the hell do they or would they know?? We have all of the answers that we need WITHIN.

I relate to Shanel Cooper-Sykes in so many ways because I see myself when I look at her. She's sassy and sexy and gets straight to the point and I LOVE IT! I watched a few of her videos on youtube and it was refreshing to see someone that I could really relate to. I have been struggling with how I can continue to motivate, inspire and empower people and still be my sexy, sensual self. Yesterday while watching some of her videos along with a Will Smith video that I will post at the end of this blog, I realized that I can do THIS. I have the POWER to do this. I AM whoever and WHAT ever I SAY I AM. I can DO WHAT ever I SAY I CAN. I'm starting to sound like Dr. Suess but you all get me. 

I have waited and waited and waited and asked questions to people who have no clue as to what the hell they are talking about. I have waited and Lord, I have waited some more and it's a WRAP! I can't wait any longer. I am young, vibrant, full of life and love and wonderful ideas. I cannot hold that to myself. I will NOT hold all of this goodness to myself. I have allowed people to make me want to dim my light. I ALLOWED that. I always say that everything is a choice and I made that  choice but today I am choosing different. I am choosing to commit to Jacquese. I am choosing to be the sexy, sassy, inspiring individual that I was created to be. It's so funny because when I was little, I remember my teachers telling me that I was fast because I had a switch in my hips when I walked. I never understood what that meant. I was just being me. I've always liked barbie dolls, never been much of a cartoon watcher. Hell, I can't even ride a bike! And I don't want to learn right now. Maybe later. My point is, I was a girl. I was feminine and soft but I kept fighting that. I kept dimming my light. I kept questioning myself.  That will have to be another blog post though. Anyway, the older I became, the more feminine I grew to be and it went from my teachers saying that I was switching to girls in high school telling me that I thought I was too cute or better than or whatever. Then it went from that to people asking me, "Why do you always look like you're walking down a runway?!?" Look, my point is that all of these things whether they seem small to you, made me question myself. It made me want to dim my light and for what? To make someone else feel comfortable? Oh no. So, now, today I am making a commitment to be me. To be my total Self. You cannot squander who you are and your gift to make someone else feel good about themselves. You are doing a disservice to you and to those around you.

LIVE. Live TODAY. Stop being afraid to be who you are, go where you want to go and do what you want to do. JUST DO IT. JUST BE. Don't wait until tomorrow to be your fabulous amazing Self. START TODAY! You have to. If you don't, you will regret it. I can promise you that!

The Truth-Part 2 -Letting go and Living

Hey Beautiful people!

In the last post I told you all that in this post I would be talking about my move to Georgia and my present feelings regarding my rape.

It's almost unbelievable to me that my rape occurred almost five years ago. Though I know it's something that I will never forget for the rest of my life, at times, it's almost like it never happened. I do have my days when I feel down but I make it an effort to not stay down. Not to mention I wasn't alone the night I was raped. My ex-boyfriend was with me when it happened so, it took me a while to come to terms that not only will I think about my rape for the rest of my life, now my ex-boyfriend will always be a part of that memory. 

How do you get over something so traumatic along with letting go of a relationship that you thought would last forever?

A lot of soul searching is how. It took a lot of me facing myself. There were a lot of days that I cried over my ex and my rape. I cried because August 14, 2008 was truly the saddest day of my entire life. I cried because the man that I loved and I thought loved me was so cold towards me. I cried because my relationship was over before it even began and I didn't know how to save it. I cried because there were days when I cared more about saving my relationship than I did about my own mental and spiritual well-being. I cried because I knew that I was going down the wrong path and there were days I felt like I wasn't strong enough to overcome-to make it through. 

Having someone to violate you is never easy to get over but you have to start somewhere. I became so sick, literally, of crying and being sad all of the time that I knew I had to make a decision. I had to make the decision to not allow a person who doesn't even know my name, a person who probably doesn't know how I look, to have so much power over my life. 

I remember being escorted by a detective to the courthouse to speak with the attorneys that were working on my case. She asked me, "Are you the victim?" and I replied without hesitation, "Yes.". After responding I thought, "Why would you say yes to that? You are not a victim, you are a survivor." Ultimately I made a choice that I did not want to live the rest of my life being a victim. I am not living my life being a victim of anything or to anyone. I am a survivor. Once I realized that, it was time for me to really start healing. I knew that I owed it to myself to not allow an unfortunate event to take so much of my Power. I had to get it back. 

As it relates to my ex-boyfriend, I had to except that our relationship was over and that if it was meant to be, it would have been. I also had to take responsibility for why our relationship ended. That meant facing some things about myself that I had been ignoring. Truth is, I was  disconnected from our relationship and from myself. I should have taken the time to care for me because there is nothing more important than my healing. At that time, I wanted to save us. I wanted us to come out of something so tragic and be this powerful, supportive and loving couple. Instead, I came out of the situation alone- angry, hurtful and bitter. I knew my relationship was not going to last because I knew that my destiny was not tied to a man who did not love me enough to stick by me. We were in two different books but I kept trying to join two destinies together that were never meant to be. Just because you love somebody does not mean that the two of you are meant to be in a relationship. Just because the two of you  experienced a situation together does not mean that you are supposed to come out of it together. All of these things, as hard as they were, needed to be recognized and healed. I needed to heal from the feeling of believing that I was not good enough for my ex. I was so insecure after my rape that I compared myself to every woman I thought was beautiful. I would look at a woman and wonder if she would be someone my ex would be interested in dating. That kind of thinking can be detrimental to the Soul. It will have you paranoid, thinking that you are unworthy of all of the good and wonderfully amazing things and people that the Universe has for you. I did not want to live the rest of life like that.

I moved to Georgia last year without telling anyone except for my sister and my best friend. I knew that they would be supportive no matter what I decided to do or where I decided to go. A new start is what I felt I needed so I packed my bags and left. Yup, just like that. I guess it was a combination of me running away from my ex and wanting to step out on faith and do something that I'd never done before. Moving to another state, you can meet new people, create your own life without the opinions of others and just LIVE. So I went to Georgia and did just that. It didn't stop me from thinking about my ex but it did feel good to be miles and miles away from him. While in Georgia, I learned that no matter how far apart you are from someone, if you care for them, distance is not going to make that feeling subside. Getting into a new relationship isn't the answer either.

So, how did I get over my relationship with my ex?

 I replaced fear and anger with love and honesty. I learned that it is okay to tell the truth about how you feel. I stopped being afraid of rejection, of him never speaking to me again. I accepted that our relationship was over and that is just how it is supposed to be. I learned that in letting go of what was not working, I am able to make room for the good stuff. I learned that it's okay to keep someone in your heart and love them from a distance. Lastly, I learned to have peace about my rape, about my relationship and about the choices that I made. 

Life is not easy. I would love to be that person to say everything is always rose all of the time but the TRUTH IS that it is not. You have to push your way through some things. Sometimes you are going to want to give up, you are going to want to run and hide. You will have days when you are afraid. You will have days when you feel like you are not good enough, like you don't measure up. Guess what?  It's OKAY. What's not okay is when you make a choice to live the rest of your life moping and feeling sorry for yourself. Every single day, I make a choice to be the best me that I can be. That sounds so cliche', right? But I do. I make a choice to be positive. I believe that I am worth the good stuff.

 I learned fear can only live in your head if you allow it to sign a lease. Don't do it. That is not the life that we were destined to live. In the words of  Switchfoot, "We were meant to live for so much more. Sometimes, we lose our selves, but somewhere we live inside." (Okay those aren't the lyrics word for word but you all get my point.) Somewhere, inside of us lives hope and love. Somewhere inside of us lives our power that we have denied for so long. Tap into that. Tap into the TRUTH of who you really are. Tap into your healing. Tap into those survival skills. LIVE. It's in you. The beauty of Life is inside you. Peace. :-)

The Truth- Part 1

Inhale

Exhale

I often find myself doing this, of course it's called breathing. I find myself before speaking or writing, doing breathing exercises. I inhale then exhale slowly, close my eyes for a moment then open them again. It kinda helps calm the nerves.

Here we go.......

I was supposed to be doing a post on my Birthday but that didn't happen due to me preparing for my trip home to Chicago. Ya know, it's funny how the very place you were running from, dying to get away from, ends up being the very place you end up coming back to. I'd said that I would never come back to this place nor the people, yet, I'm here.

There are so many memories here for me, of course because this is my hometown and I had not moved from it until last year. This is the place where my rape occurred. This is the place where I got my heart broken multiple times but nothing compared to the One who REALLY broke it.  There is a twitter/facebook friend of mine who always says, "Hearts don't get broken, expectations do." That statement is something that makes a great deal of sense yet this ain't his blog, now is it? So, on MY blog, I get to say that my heart was broken. :) My heart hurt so much that I needed to get away as fast and as far as my money would allow me to go at the time which was Georgia. This, Chicago, is the place where I had seen and been through so much from the time that I was a young girl up until last year. And let me say, during this post, I don't feel like being the motivator. I just want to tell the truth about how I feel. I don't want to be the one who sees the glass as half full rather than half empty. Not right now. Right now I want to talk about the truth.

The truth is that this road has not been easy. It's been really hard. So hard, that I've thought many times about giving up. I've thought about just going mute, shutting my brain off and just being done with everything and everybody. My reality is that, my mind runs a mile a minute, I'm VERY expressive and I've never had it in me to just give up. So, back to square one. A lot of times you hear people saying, "Be grateful.", "Your situation could be a lot worse than it is.", "There's someone always worse of than you.", Blah, Blah, HELL! Whatever. My problem with those quotes is that they are so cliche and a bunch of bullshit. Of course, it could be worse but if it ever got worse, people would say those exact same quotes leading them to being redundant. So, again, back to square one. I'm here in this familiar, yet unfamiliar place with familiar, yet unfamiliar people all over again. I am here in the very place that I ran from to learn a lesson. Am I prepared to do so? I believe that I am. I believe that the Universe provides you with all of the necessary tools that you need in order to learn, overcome and flourish but you have to be willing to listen and be open to your Spirit. That is what guides you. That is what protects you. Spirit is what keeps me sane and going and I do not take that for granted.

Over the past few years, I have been on a journey of Truth; trying to understand who I am as an individual, as my own person without the opinions or beliefs of others. I have learned to think for myself. I have learned to make decisions without consulting other people first. I have learned to speak my mind, my Truth without being afraid of people giving me the side eye and it feels pretty damn good. It feels good to come into the knowledge of who I truly am without the limiting and programmed beliefs that have been dumped on me since my earlier years. Though, this journey has been hard, draining, and shows no mercy, I really am grateful for every lesson that I have learned. Though, these lessons have taken me through some shit. REALLY! I have cried, yelled and screamed, literally. After the dramatics, I'm able to really learn the lessons which assisted me in evolving into the young woman that I am right now.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to share my Life Lessons with you all. I will talk about how I feel about my rape now, my healing process and my move to Georgia. Until next time.......